Letter to Mother in law

Just now I wrote a letter and sent it to my mother in law. She will probably received it 5 days later. This letter is telling her not to feel obliged to stay together with us after we go back.

The other day, Joe called her up and she mentioned that she does not want to stay with us. She said that she is used to Toa Payoh. We can understand why she does not want to stay with us.

Actually my relationship with my mother in law is somehow strained after Joe left for study and during her last visit to Australia. She was not feeling happy staying with us. During the initial months when we shifted to our new place, she had a lot of complaints about distance from city, too far from MRT and market etc. Joe was not around and kids giving me hell so when she was asking for attention, I could not give it to her. She found me to be bossy and lack respect for her. She also added to my stress as she was not happy with the maids then. She kept thinking the maids were not honest and trustworthy. Maybe it is communication problem but she really was miserable in my place. I ended up changing 4 maids in a year. Maybe somehow she felt Joe is not around and she was obligated to look after the kids on his behalf and I did not show appreciation towards her. Frankly speaking a new job, a new place,children in new school etc all not a fantastic layout and I definitely not in good mood to humour her. I admit I was always pulling a black long face at home at that time. Can't be too happy when I am feeling a bag of nerves. Furthermore, when u are a daughter in law, you are not supposed to have opinions and show face which o course I did all that.

As for the stay in Australia, she felt we cared more about the Auntie Wei Chu who came together with us. She probably felt jeolous that we seemed to care a lot of Wei Yi. Actually we considered Wei Yi to be a guest so we tend to be polite in asking her to do things to occupy her time since Mum insisted in staying at home all the time. I am one to speak my mind and that is a taboo to her. I am now the housewife here and of course I want to have a say in how things to be done here. Many a times, she has her opinion but I told her how things are done here instead.

I do not want to have a strain relationship with her as she is Joe's mum. I know I must always take care of her but staying together is not a good idea for us. Joe will still be here for another half a year or more and I am not sure if I can survived staying with my mum in law. I need to be treated as an adult and I know she had more than 50 yrs of experience as a housewife but somehow people are different and the way we do things might be very varied. She tends to comment on maids way of doing laundry, cleaning and all sorts of domestic chores and I am really not so particular. I will surely go crazy if I were to live in her constant supervision.

As for the letter to her, I of course did not say all these la. I told her we respect her wishes to have her independence and that she will probably be happier without the childrens' rowdy behaviour and noise. Actually very true if she valued her independence and peaceful life. A house full of 4 kids, a maid and me will be total choas, dirt and noise.

She is also better off in Toa Payoh since she is very comfortable there with friends all around her. Transportation is also better for her since it is nearer to city where she goes for concerts and performances.

Of course I also mentioned I am at fault of being a difficult person to live with when I am stressed out. I am used to teaching and I definitely portrayed the Authoritative attitude. I told her I probably won't change since that's me and she really does not have to put up with me. I told her I believe staying apart is going to do us good. I will bring kids to her place once or twice a week and she will be happier.

Moreover, I told her I am going to get a maid and she will have to get used to the idea and tolerate the maid if she is staying with us. She needs to take into consideration of whether she can trust and get along with the maid.

Anyway, lastly I told her about the plan whereby Joe and I had discussed. She had already said she wanted to stay in Toa Payoh since she moved back in Dec 2007. We were already thinking of the possibility of selling the condo after a few yrs to move back to Toa Payoh HDB so as to be near her block. Not staying together but nearby so as to visit her daily. She is now still fit and healthy and she probably does not want us around to tie her down with responsibilites. Let her have her independence and freedom while she is able. We will step in when we are needed by her.

So, you see, many people will probably see me as unfilial but I think that is best for her and us. The strain relationship is no good for either of us. We want to create happier times and memories and staying together is not helping.

Of course, the ball is entirely in my mum in law's court. She has to decide for herself if she is really willing to give up her peaceful life or come still to be with us. If coming to stay, she has to bear with the many things that come with it.